A convo - pt 1
a convo of 23 and Chiaki -
-- are you really drinking coffee at this time? 1:36pm? haven't you decided to only drink at morning? [Chiaki scoffs]
-- shut up!
-- what? now you are shutting me up.
--.... you know I'm not in good mood.
-- fine! what do you want [looks at 23 with conceding gaze]
-- [23 sighs] I want......someone to ask....
-- ask? about what?
-- .......anything.
-- anything? not everything? [Chiaki sneers]
-- [23 glares] you are not making this easy at all!
-- oh! am I supposed to?
-- ........
-- fine! I'm sorry. tell me how are you doing?
-- have I ever done bad? if you ask me in verb sense, I have been doing always good
-- okay! how are you?
-- [ 23 paused] I Dunno.
-- [Chiaki sighs] you always say that. Like whenever I ask.
-- am I supposed to lie? you want to hear my lie?
-- I'm not saying that...tell me why you don't know.
-- I'm procrastinating.
-- procrastinating what?
-- studies, fulfilling my goals of this year.
-- why?
-- I Dunno. maybe cz I'm tired or maybe cz I didn't make a good planning of how to use my time....
-- why did you not make then?
-- my schedule is not constant.
-- ...I thought you thrive in chaos?
-- .... maybe, no? I used to think that too. but to be honest, if I start doing a task with no planning at all. I waste lot of time. I at least need even a lil bit of mental planning that I'll do this, then I'll do that.
-- maybe you should write all your schedules and priorities in one notebook then figure out. I know you like problem solving a lot. so, I think, you can find out. just set everything while keeping priorities in center.
-- but don't I need a bulletproof focus to think through that? I don't know but my attention span got lotta less and impatient.
-- yes, I noticed that too. you unconsciously take phone and get into messenger, replying to pointless texts.
-- [23 got irritated] these are not pointless. I'm now their CR too. should not I reply to their texts?
-- isn't other cr there too? why are you taking all 'response' tasks?
-- but...they do not like her that much.
-- so, by replying to them fast you think you'll become their favorite? 23, tell me, do you really wanna be their favorite?
-- [sighs as 23 looked away] no, I don't....... I just...don't wanna be a bad person.
-- Don't wanna be a bad person or you don't want others to call you a bad person? because, you have always thought of yourself as a 'monster'. now, looking at you worrying about being a bad person is laughable.
-- shut up!
-- what? true words hurt? [Chiaki mockingly laughs]
-- aren't you supposed to be in my group? aren't you, my team?
-- 23, I'm in your teams that's why I'm poking you, okay? otherwise I wouldn't have even looked at you. [Chiaki said spitefully] how are you doing things without even knowing why you are doing things. you are completely being a fool. and I know clearly you are NOT A FOOL! you are just fking avoiding things. are you afraid that if you do bad, or if you do any mistakes, they will call a bad person,23?
-- fine! I'm afraid! because there's not a single person in this world who will help me. no, it should be - there's not a single person who will trust me full 100% Chiaki. not even you. so how can I not be afraid. what if they accuse me and I couldn't anything due to fear? what if they all ignore me, outcast me away? Chiaki, what I'll do then? I'm already so fking alone, so fking lonely. right now, still there's plastic connection. but what if this also gone? then?
-- if it's gone then gone! [Chiaki looks at 23 coldly. the whole environment becomes cold.] I'm glad you know I don't trust you fully. I'm glad you know no one can ever trust you fully 100% but there's a mistake! no person 'should' trust another person full 100%. humans are weak, they are prone to do mistake. you can't apply your perfectionism theory here,23. if you want loyalty 100%, then you should be friends with a corpse! corpse will never be influenced by anyone, hey will do no work, they will just stay in one place and rot.
-- then am i alone forever? no one will ever understand me.
-- 23, people are not supposed to be understood always. and no, you are not alone forever. no one is ever alone. you got this universe creator with you. this universe, or everything's creator is always with everyone. maybe You'll get abandoned by everyone, every single thing, but Allah will never leave you.
-- then why I have not got a single person with perspective like me, i feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only sober person in this drunken universe. noting make me feel peace. how should I always put effort.
-- 23, maybe you are just hungry.
-- [23 stopped speaking, looking at Chiaki]
-- isn't it your lunch time now? you hate delaying your meals.
-- are you trying to divert me?
-- [Chiaki laughs] maybe? is it working?
-- [23 scoffs] yeah...I'm indeed feeling hungry.
-- go eat. and make a priority plan. you can listen to classical music at that time or just use pomodoro. and don't be too hard. Allah and I'm here with you, okay?
-- shut up. you are not here. you are just a nuisance.
-- [Chiaki smiled] let's talk again.
-- yeah maybe, Insha Allah.