I'm bad with titles

23 Aug, 2025

Today all my classes got cancelled, thus I got a free day, although I may need to go out for a meeting for a project.

Surprisingly, since last month, I’m liking the word 'August'. Last year I used to dislike the word. 'September' and 'October' were my favorites. And now, maybe I’m disliking the word 'October'.

I’m a person who has no purpose, just goes with the flow, which is bad! Yesterday I told one of my friends, I want to destroy my whole psyche, like the whole values, thoughts, everything which I think I am, because I want to rebuild myself.

But somehow, I hate the word purpose. The synonyms of purpose are motive, motivation, reason, grounds, determination.

I just want to live well, eat well, sleep well, build things, help people if I can, and think well. I want to try everything I can. Can my purpose be “do everything I’m capable of and is good”? Yet I crave stability, I crave structure.

Nowadays I’m trying to build a routine.

While writing this, I’m feeling like I’m doing the opposite of what I “want.” Then again, since when did I started to think of my wanting as chaos, the opposite of structure? I’m rebellious in my nature.

I need reasons not to do the opposites.

I’m curious by nature.

And here, so many mistakes—they think I’m asking reasons because I’ll do it. But I’m asking reasons because why one should not do it.

Let’s finish off this chaotic piece of blog with a paragraph excerpt from a book 'Ways of Seeing' by John Berger (I’m still stuck in Ch.1):

𝙒𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙖𝙩. 𝙏𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙘𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚. 𝘼𝙨 𝙖 𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙡𝙩, 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙘𝙩, 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝-𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙣𝙚𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙧𝙢'𝙨 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝. 𝙏𝙤 𝙩𝙤𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙞𝙣 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙞𝙩 (𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨, 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙤𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙞𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙘, 𝙡𝙞𝙢𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩).

𝙬𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙖𝙩 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜; 𝙬𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨. 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙫𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚, 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙘𝙞𝙧𝙘𝙡𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙩𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛, 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙪𝙨 𝙖𝙨 𝙬𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚.”

#chaos #notorganized